NOTHING LOST

These past few days were challenging for me. I was expecting to get a grant from the government that will secure me a job for three years. I didn’t get it. I was called in to the doctor because of my bloodwork results. I am too worried that I just want to sleep until the doctor’s appointment.

I submitted a proposal to the government with a couple of colleagues. It was our first proposal and we had to write it in three days. After four months, the government finally issued the result this week. We didn’t get in. I have always been positive in everything I do. So for this one I had high hopes. I already owned it. That made the blow even harder.

What is it with positive thinking? What good does it bring to imagine success and then fail miserably? I didn’t get what I want and it’s absolutely shitty. I need to talk to myself big time.

Why was it not for me? It will not bring you closer to your goals. No, it won’t because I will have to work full time again and will not have time to write. That’s true. But I want the money to travel. You can get the money from teaching part time and writing more. I know. What am I going to do now? You will work on the companies you have helped put up and you will make them successful. That will bring you closer to your goal of being a $uccessful entrepreneur. Yes. That is the best thing to do. You did not lose anything. You did not have this before. You just didn’t get it. Do what makes your heart happy. Write, write, and write some more.

Done talking to myself.

It’s true. There was nothing lost. A couple of my friends lost their loved ones this week, a dear uncle and a baby, third baby lost in 14 months. These are painful losses. A proposal getting rejected is nothing. I need to adjust my perspective.

My doctor wants to see me to discuss the result of my bloodwork. I talked to her secretary Tuesday afternoon. I wanted to come in immediately but the clinic is closed Wednesdays. I took the earliest appointment on Thursday. Since the call I couldn’t concentrate on anything. What if I have a terminal disease? I am dying of worry. I have to remind myself that worrying doesn’t help. I have not lost anything. Worrying is an insult to God. If you can do something about it, why worry? If you cannot do anything about it, why worry? Why worry at all? I know, I know. But, but, but.

So I am writing in this state of mind. I need to be more positive.

I am grateful that Ramil can financially support our family and I can take a break from working. I am grateful that Ramil can get away from the office anytime he chooses. I am grateful for public healthcare. I am grateful for my upcoming holiday with my girlfriends. I am grateful that I can financially help my relatives back home. I am grateful for a healthy family. I am grateful for all the food we bought from the grocery today. I am grateful for being debt free. I am grateful for a big house, a nice car. I am thankful for an uncomplicated family. I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful and I am at peace. Nothing is lost.

Everything works out in the end. If it is not working out, it is not yet the end. J

FREEDOM

August 19, 2015

I waited 30 minutes for the bus today. 30 minutes! Imagine what important things I could’ve accomplished in 30 minutes. Instead, I sat at the bus stop swinging my legs, looking at this gorgeous sunny day. Not too hot at 11am.

I discreetly stared at everyone walking past me, making up stories about their lives. I thought of random things like how many notebooks I own and what I will do with the two bags of vegetables I just bought. I thought about the difference between organic and raised without spray. I thought of the complexities of the English language. I thought of nothing particularly important. Then I realized that I am more fortunate than millions of people in the world right now facing challenges in their lives. I am sitting here waiting for the bus without worries, simply looking forward to a perfect day at home with my green juice. I have the freedom of time.

How exactly did my life become this carefree? I used to be anxious all the time. Stressed by lack of money, a job I didn’t like, a crazy long commute, and a hectic daily schedule with our four kids. I also used to feel bloated every day and my headaches were frequent. I had back pain and even without a doctor’s prognosis, I was convinced I was developing carpal tunnel syndrome. That was three years ago.

When I gave up my full-time job, life got better. A lot better. This better. Of course it was not instantaneously better. It took time, strength, and mental willpower to survive and get to this point. But I am happy and I am not going back.  

In 2013 I was working as a Learning Facilitator for the biggest credit union in Canada. I was on my eighth year with them and my fourth position in the company. I kept on moving across departments to keep my sanity. It was a dream company. Great benefits like group RRSP matched up to 5% of salary contribution, 100% extended health, maternity top-up to 100%, four-day 35-hour flexible workweek, 5 weeks paid vacation, room for growth, and autonomy to do my job as I please. Why did I leave? There are days when I ask myself this question. Sometimes there are many consecutive days that I ask myself this question. I always come up with the same answer. Because I felt I had to live my life more fully than that.

I came to work one normal day. Same old same old. 9am, the train was full. As in full where if you were seated, somebody’s bum is two inches from your face kinda full. I was used to it. Been doing it for years. I just looked away, concentrated on that part of the window where the rain hits the glass. A stiff neck is better than smelling a stranger’s bum.

I got to my station, walked two blocks to my building, took the elevator. I got to my floor and the minute I stepped out of the elevator it hit me. It seemed like my whole future passed in front of my eyes in five seconds. I saw my 60 year old self in an office there, talking to an employee about performance. An old version of myself! I somehow knew that while I was talking I was pretending to care. I can’t explain how I could see it and feel it too. I even saw the whole floor teeming with people but they were all chained to their desks. I was hallucinating. I couldn’t bring my feet to walk the 30 steps to my desk. I stopped at the first desk and put down my purse. I raced to my boss’ desk. She was not there. I checked the meeting rooms one by one. I found her and her boss. I popped my head in and told them I was sick and I needed to go home. I ran back to the station. I was laughing and crying in the train, all by myself. I felt so much freedom going back home while everyone was going downtown.

That was the day I decided to leave full time employment.  Of course there were other factors and events that led to the decision but that day made it clear to me. I cannot live in the corporate jungle anymore. Twenty years is enough. I need to create. I need to express. I need to own my time. I need to write. So here I am.

It took a lot of work changing my thoughts before I was able to change my life. In another post I listed down the steps I took to get to where I am right now. I am not a millionaire yet but I am making more money than when I was employed, working from home on my own time. And I am not in a network marketing scheme! I am working real jobs.

Freedom. If you want it, you can definitely have it too. Goodluck.    

FOCUS

August 12, 2015

I haven’t worked a paying job in four months. There I got that out. Now on to more important things. Haha.

Yes it bugs me. I have tried to play the housewife part but I can’t. I thought I was a good housewife but this morning while I was slowly waking up, I saw with my right eye (my left eye was still closed) my husband ironing his shirt for work and I heard my kids making breakfast. I realized I am a total fail at this homemaker business. It’s true I can spin the story into ‘I am so successful in running this household that I have trained my family very well on how to take care of themselves’. I can sell that idea. I have worked a corporate job for twenty years. I can turn anything into a more desirable story. But no. I need to accept it. I am not cut out to be a homemaker only. I need to work. I need to make money. I need to feel productively contributing to the world.

So now I am frustrated at not having worked for four months and not having $10,000 to pay for a family vacation in Italy that I am dreaming about. But all is good. Now it is clear to me. I cannot NOT work a paying job.

I am grateful though, to have the opportunity to stop working to focus on determining what to do with my life. Rearranging my days to point to the direction I want to go. I truly appreciate this time. S/O to my husband for making this possible.  

However, (I know you saw that coming) not doing paid work takes getting used to. At the end of each day, I need to convince myself that it was indeed a productive day. That money is not the only possible measure of a day’s productivity. That I can just ‘be’ and my life will still be fruitful. It takes effort convincing myself that it is okay to lie down reading a good book for hours. That walking the beach aimlessly is good. That discussing ideas with friends will end up helping make the world a better place. This life takes getting used to after working for 20 years.

How did I get to this place? That is a separate blog post. Here, let’s talk about what I want to be, where I want to go, and what I am doing to get there. 

I have made the decision that I will be a broadcaster (the next Oprah), a successful entrepreneur (success being defined by millions of dollars and positive contribution to the world), a New York Times bestselling author, a world traveller (with my whole family of 6), and I will teach a little. I know that to many, this list sounds crazy. It sounds like I want to accomplish too much with the little time I have left in this world. I don’t really care what it sounds like to others. I am forty (and I don’t give a s**t) and I can do this.

When these goals (take note goals and not fantasies) became clear to me, I started writing these five things on my planner every single day. It gives me focus. These are the things I want to accomplish. Everything I write on my planner needs to lead to one of these. If the activity does not lead to these, I will not do them unless of course they are fun to do.

Do I have a clear plan on how to achieve all of these goals? Nah. That is a major life lesson I got from the last five years. Just know what you want and the universe will deliver. You just need to make sure you act on opportunities that come around.

Things started happening. I contacted a former student who I remember hosts a radio show. I sat in her radio show. Tomorrow I am attending training sessions that will eventually lead to producing my own show. Yes, it is a community radio station. Yes, there might not be any following but this is free training on the equipment and how to do it. I am so excited.

I registered to a journaling class. A short course on creative writing. It forced me to write and to read my writing to people. Now I have outlined my book and I am adding to it every day.

I started businesses involving teaching painting and making e-learning. I was brave enough to go ahead and try things out. Instead of just sitting down and writing my plans for a business.

I am visualizing a trip to Italy with my family of 6. We went to Disneyland last year and we went to Maui last May. I want to make sure that this year we do another major trip and that will be Italy.

I am amazed at what focus can do. Know what you want, keep it in your mind and heart, and act on the opportunities that will lead to successfully fulfilling your goals.

It seems like the four months of not having a paying job was worth it after all. I have identified my life goals and I have started the ball/s rolling on all of them. I could’ve gone for one year to a remote country to find myself. But no. I stopped working, stayed where I am, thought of what I really want to do and now everything is on its way to me. Not bad for four months. Now I feel better.

Life is good. Now off to watching the Perseid meteor showers with my family. It will not get me closer to my goals but it will be fun so it is an exception. I wrote it in my planner. J