Meron akong itlog sa bulsa

Nasa klase ako, alas sais ng gabi. Sobrang haba ng araw ko ngayon. Gumising ako ng alas syete y media, umalis ako ng bahay ng alas otso, nagsimula mag trabaho ng alas nuwebe. Pagkatapos ng trabaho ng alas singko, diretso naman sa eskwela. Kung bakit ba kasi ginagawa ko ito sa sarili ko.

Di ko napaghandaan ng husto ang araw ko ngayon, kaya siguro ako sobrang pagod. Kung anu-ano lang ang dala kong pagkain para di ako gutumin. Isang latang tuna, tinapay, 2 hiwa ng keso, isang hiwa ng maliit na pizza. Ito na ang pagkain ko para sa buong araw. Buti nalang nung paalis na ako ng opisina ay inalok ako ng isang kaibigan ng nilagang itlog. Syempre tinaggap ko. Natakot akong magutom dahil nakain ko na ang tuna, pizza, at tinapay sa pananghalian. Kaunting tinapay at keso nalang ang natitira ko pang hapunan.

Dumating ang alas sais ng gabi, nagsasalita pa ang titser. Gutom na ako, gutom na gutom. Naalala ko ang itlog na bigay sa akin. Kinuha ko sa bag at inilagay sa bulsa ng pantalon ko. Kailangang makita ko ang tamang tyempo para basagin at balatan ang itlog. Pupwede namang kumain sa klase kahit anong oras. Yun nga lang medyo nakakahiya naman kung sa gitna ng pagsasalita ng titser ay may bigla nalang mababasag. Hintay lang ng kaunti, darating din ang tamang oras. Gutom na ako!

Balatan ko kaya ito sa bulsa ko? Parang tanga nga lang ako nun, bigla nalang akong kakain ng nilagang itlog, baka magtawanan ang mga kasama ko sa mesa. Hay! Pangalawang klase ko palang ito sa walong kailangan kong tapusin para magkaroon ng diploma sa pagtuturo. Kung pwede lang kunin ito online, gagawin ko. At least nasa bahay lang ako, hindi ako aabutin ng ganitong gutom. Kaso lang kailangan kong tapusin ito agad, wala ng panahong maghintay ng online. Kung kailangang pasukan, papasok ako sa eskwela, matapos lang.

Pitong taon na ako dito sa Canada. Labing anim na taon na akong nagtatrabaho sa Accounting. Nung isang taon ko lang napagdesisyunang mag aral at lumipat ng linya, lumipat sa pagtuturo. Matagal ko ng naiisip gawin ito. Naghintay lang ako ng tamang panahon kaya inabot ako ng napakaraming taon. Sana ginawa ko ito noon pa. E di sana titser na ako ngayon. Yun talaga ang gusto kong gawin. Sa tingin ko doon ako sasaya.

Tuloy pa rin ang diskusyon ng titser ko at ng mga kaklase ko. Ang hirap kapag titser din ang mga estudyante. Ayaw magsitigil magsalita, di tuloy ako makakuha ng tyempo. Itlog, itlog, gusto na kitang kainin.

Maging masaya nga kaya ako sa pagtuturo? Di ko naman masasagot yan hanggat di ko ginagawa kaya sige nalang. Sa tingin ko, mas mabuti na ang umaaksyon kesa walang ginagawa. Kung magkamali, e di aral nalang ulit ng iba. Di ko nalang talaga makakayanan ang accounting ng isa pang taon. Ginagapang ko ngang talaga ang pag aaral na ito. Wala na akong pang enrol pero sige lang. Iutang, ibenta ang pwedeng ibenta, ipilit i file ng reimbursement sa opisina. Wish ko lang ay aprubahan na.

Kahihintay ko ng tamang panahon para kainin ang itlog, dumating ang alas syete y media, break time na. Magbabanyo muna ako bago kumain. Tutal labinlimang minuto ang break time, kakain ako pagbalik ko galing sa banyo. Biruin mo, dose oras na akong gising, at mahaba pa ang gabi. Pagdating ko sa bahay ay magliligpit pa ng kusina, magluluto pa ng pagkain para bukas, yan ay kung may hapunan na. Kung wala ay magluluto pa ako ng hapunan. Buhay Canada nga naman. Kung sa Pinas 'to pagdating ko kain at tulog nalang.

Sa wakas, tamang oras na para kainin ang pinaka aasam kong nilagang itlog. Nilatagan ko ng tissue ang parte ko ng mesa, nilabas ko ang itlog sa bulsa at dahan dahan kong pinukpok sa ibabaw ng mesa. Ngek, nabiyak ang itlog. Hindi lamang ang balat kundi ang buong itlog. Buti nalang may tissue. Hindi naman pala hard-boiled ito, malasado. Huhuhu. Di ko kayang kainin ito. Parang malansang hilaw na itlog. Wahaha. Mamamatay yata ako sa gutom ngayong gabi. Pagkatapos kong asam asaming kainin ang itlog na ito, di ko naman pala makakain. Bumili kaya ako sa kantin ng pagkain? Huli na, matatapos na ang labinlimang minutong break. Kasi naman, naghintay hintay pa ako. Kung biniyak ko na ito kaninang alas sais, e di alam ko na sanang wala akong pagkain, e di sana napagplanuhan kong pumunta ng maaga sa kantin. Di bale, mabubuhay naman ako sa kaunting tinapay at katiting na keso. Isang oras pa bago mag uwian, isang oras pa ulit bago ako makarating sa bahay. Waaah.

Pareho nga rin ng pag-aaral ko ang itlog. Naghintay hintay ako ng tamang panahon, inabot ng napakaraming taon. Sana ginawa ko kaagad nung malaman kong ito ang gusto kong gawin. Sana lang maging masaya ako sa pagtuturo pag natapos ko ito. Sana di tulad ng itlog na di ko nakain.

High Heels

Tag lamig na naman. Panahon na naman para mag boots. Ganyan talaga dito sa Canada kapag winter, di maaring wala kang boots. Di uubra ang flats o kahit closed shoes lang. Ang lamig.

Sira na ang leather boots na pinapamasok ko sa opisina araw-araw. Dalawang winter ko ding ginamit yun, sulit na sulit. Katulad ng style ng leather boots kong gawa sa Glenmore sa Rustan's Cubao noong araw, ganun din itong boots ko rito. Kwadrado ang dulo, mataba at mababa ang takong, plain ang harap. Mas mataas nga lang rito, hanggang halos tuhod. Sa Pilipinas noon ay maiksing klase lang, kundi ay baka himatayin ako sa init at tubuan ako ng alipunga.

Kailangan kong bumili ng bagong boots. At naisip ko lang nung isang linggo, panahon na siguro para magbago ako ng style. Feeling ko style ko bulok na. Iba naman. Tutal tumatanda na ako, naisip ko, "Why don't I shake it up a bit?". Mid-life crisis na yata ito.

So ito ang nangyari.

Pumunta ako sa US of A, as usual para makamura. Ang intensyon ko talaga ay bumili ng bagong boots. Bagong klase, bago sa paningin, bago sa pakiramdam. Baka mabago rin ang paunti unting dumidilim na pananaw ko sa buhay.

Inisa isa ko na ang linya linyang eskaparate ng mga boots sa department store na karaniwan kong pinupuntahan. Mas mura sana sa outlet stores kaso ang layo nun. Di kaya ng kaunting oras ko. Kay dami namang klase, nakakalito. Kinailangan kong tumigil at mag set ng criteria. Kundi ay aabutin ako ng madaling araw, baka mapagsarhan pa ako ng border at di ako makabalik sa Canada. Ang naisip kong criteria, basta kabaliktaran ng dati kong boots. Dapat tulis ang dulo, mas mataas ang takong, mas manipis ang takong, hindi plain ang harap. Nasa Canada naman ako kaya kahit ano pwede isuot. Iba rin sana ang kulay, kung pwede lang pula para talagang iba. Kaso lang ang budget ko ay pang isang boots lang, kailangang magagamit araw araw pamasok kaya itim nalang.

Yun! Nakita ko na ang eksaktong boots para sa akin. Sinukat ko. Mas mataas ang takong ng mga isang pulgada kaysa dati. 3 inches yata ito. Pero di naman stiletto so okay lang. Medyo kakaiba ang pakiramdam, ang tangkad ko yata, parang nakakadagdag ng kumpyansa, parang kayang kaya kong gawin kahit anong gustuhin ko. Ito na nga ang boots na hinahanap ko. At my buckle pa sa gilid. Great.

Sobrang excited akong nagbayad sa kahera. Itinaktak ko ang wallet ko na madispatsa ang lahat ng US $1 bills ko at mga coins. Naiipon lang sa bag ko ang mga sukli tuwing nag go grocery kami dito sa US. Sayang naman kung di magagamit.

Wow, bago ang boots ko. Happiness. Bihira akong bumili ng sapatos, mga isang beses lang isang taon, kapag talagang kailangan na. Kaya naman ganun nalang ang kasiyahan ko. Handa akong i-declare ito sa border. Pasok naman sa daily tax-free shopping limit kong $50. Murang mura.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, nilapag ko lang ang lahat ng ibang pinamili. Mamaya na sila iligpit. Isinuot ko agad ang boots. Kailangang masanay ang mga paa ko. May pasok bukas, susuutin ko na ito. Exciting. Biglang narinig ko ang mahal kong asawang tumatakbo paakayat ng hagdan. Humahangos. "Anong nangyayari?", sabi nya. Nakita nyang naglalakad akong naka high heeled boots. "Sus, akala ko kung ano na ang naririnig ko sa babang pumupukpok sa sahig. Takong mo lang pala. Wow ang seksi nyan ah."

Ayos, I got the reaction I wanted. Ang tugtog sa isip ko, "These boots are made for walking, that's just what I'll do..."

Alas syete ng umaga, palabas ako ng bahay, at saka ko lang naisip - seksi nga ang boots wala naman pala akong seksing medyas. Sports socks at puti pa. Pwede na yan, di naman makikita. Dahan dahan akong naglakad palabas ng bahay. Tinetesting ko sa kalye ang takong. Baka madulas ako. Icy na ang kalye. Umpisa palang ng Nobyembre nag si zero na ang temperature. Ano ba ito? Pero di ko ramdam ang lamig. Pakiramdam ko ay butil butil ang pawis ko sa noo sa takot kong maglakad dahil sa takong na ito. Parang pawis na din ang kili kili ko. Di bale, taas noo, diretso ang likod at balikat, diretso ang tingin. Kaya ko ito. Tila mababali ang buto ko sa binti. At parang wala ng pakiramdam ang mga maliliit na daliri ko sa paa. Hay!

At sa wakas, nakarating din ako sa bus stop. May mga upuan sana pero di kaya ng kalooban kong maupo. Baka kung sino sinong mga tao ang naupo sa mga upuang ito. Tiisin ko nalang ang mga paa kong tila wala ng dugo.

At ang bus dumating din, eksakto sa oras. Kaso lang puno, tatayo ako. Naluluha na ako. Kaya ko ito! Apat na beses akong nanganak, para high heels lang ito. I can do this. Kay rami- raming mga babaita ang naka high heels araw araw. Kay lalaking mga babaeng Canadian naka high heels. Boots pa nga ito kaya may support. Di rin stilleto. Kailangan lang ay pokus at praktis. Pagbaba ko naman ng bus train station na, at pagbaba ko ng train ilang hakbang lang ay opis ko na. Konting tiis, konting tiis.

Pagdating sa istasyon ng train, tsaka ko lang naisip, kay rami palang hagdan dito! Buti nalang may escalator. Di naman ako pwedeng tumayo lang, baka ma late ako. Ang escalator dito, walk left, stand right. Kung ayaw mong maglakad sa escalator, tumayo ka sa kanan. Sa kanan kaya ako? Hindi na. Lalakarin ko ito.

Pag upo ko sa train, talaga namang para akong nasa langit. Ang sarap maupo. Unang istasyon ako sumsakay kaya't wala pang tao ang train. What a relief. Ang ligaya nga naman ay mararamdaman mo lang pagkatapos ng paghihirap. Ang saya-sayang maupo!

Nakarating din ako sa opisina. Nang makita ko ang mesa ko ay muntik akong himatayin. Pinapalitan ko nga pala ang mesa ko nung isang linggo ng hanggang dibdib na mesa para pwede akong magtrabaho ng nakatayo, para dumiretso ang likod ko. Ngayon ay tatayo ako maghapon suot ang high heels na ito. Goodluck sa akin.

Samakatuwid, natapos din ang araw, nakauwi din ako. Naisuot ko pa ng dalawang beses ang boots dala ang pag-asang masasanay din ang mga paa ako, mga binti ko, ang isip ko. Na mawawala din ang takot sa dibdib ko, at matututo rin akong lumakad ng naka high heels, na katulad ng paglalakad ni Melanie Marquez. Pero hindi pala. I give up. Isosoli ko nalang ito sa pinanggalingan nya. Oo, ganun dito, basta't lahat ng tags ay intact, hindi marumi, at mukhang bago pa, at may resibo, pwede isoli. Mukhang bago pa ito. Sobrang bagal kong kayang lumakad nung suot ko ito. O kaya naman ay i post ko nalang sa craigslist. Lugi kung lugi, mabenta lang.

Sa mga naka high heels buong araw, araw-araw sa opisina, sa mga nagsasayaw ng naka high heels magdamag, sa mga nag gagala sa mall ng naka high heels, saludo ako sa inyong lahat. Di yan kaya ng powers ko. Baka sa ospital o sa sementeryo ako pulutin. Babalik nalang ako sa dati kong style na bulok. :-)

Never blame yourself or others for where you are now. You are where you need to be. Move forward and be the best you can be. - Luz 2011

Ang Klima Sa BC

Ito talaga ang unang kailangan pag-usapan, ang klima. Kung pumunta ka na sa ibang bansa sa North America, malamang ay alam mo na at sanay ka na sa klimang ganito. Kung hindi naman, ay basahin mo itong mabuti para naman di ka magulat sa daratnan mo sa BC. Ang Canada ay may 4 seasons, sabi nga ng kanta ng ni Carole King, winter, spring, summer, or fall. Sandali nga, na o obvious ang edad ko.

Merong official dates ang simula ng bawat season. Ang winter ay nagsisimula ng December 21, ang spring ng March 21, summer ng June 21 at Fall September 21. Official dates lang ito pero syempre di naman pagdating ng mga araw na ito ay tama na ang panahon sa sinabing season. Katulad ng weather sa kahit saang lugar, di ma pe predict. Minsan ay malamig pa kahit officially summer na, o mainit pa rin kahit officially fall na.

Kahit nung nasa Pinas pa ako ay alam ko na ang 4 seasons. Di nga bat napakaraming bahay sa Pinas ang merong nakasabit sa dingding na artwork showing the 4 seasons? Pero nagsimula ko lang maintindihan ang 4 seasons nung tumira ako dito sa BC. Talagang iba-iba nga ang seasons. Di tulad sa Pinas na dalawang seasons lang, wet and dry. Kung hindi mainit, maulan.

Dumating kami sa Canada noong September 13, 2004. So kung talagang binasa mo ang simula ng post na ito, alam mo ang season nung dumating kami. O, wag kang titingin ulit sa taas, hehe. Summer pa nung dumating kami, dahil ang official start of fall ay September 21 pa. Kasama ko ang aking asawa at tatlong babaeng anak. Syempre, naghanda kami ng mabuti bago pumunta dito. Namili kami ng mga sweater (cardigan) sa Kamiseta. Ke gaganda pa naman, at medyo mamahalin. Feel na feel ko pa namang ang ganda ng suot ko. At matching pa kami ng mga anak ko. Blue ang kanila at green naman ang sa akin. Paglabas namin sa airport, naamoy ko na ang hangin. Biglang naalala ko ang mga nabasa kong Sweet Dreams books nooong teenager ako (ayan na naman, lumalabas na naman ang edad ko). Paghinga ko ng hangin dito, tulad ng sabi sa libro, crisp ang tamang description. Di pa kasi ako nakakahinga ng crisp na hangin. Sa Pinas noon parang medyo muggy o polutted ang dating ng hangin. Crisp ay malinis, medyo malamig at tila ba diretso sa utak at baga mo ng sabay. Ang sarap. Pagtapos kong hingahin ang crisp na hangin, naramdaman kong bigla ang pisngi kong parang binhusan ng malamig na tubig na tuyo. Ewan ko ba. Ang lamig. Ibinalot ko ang sweater ko sa akin, isinara ko hanggang leeg. Di uubra. Malamig pa rin. Nakakaloka.

Kaya kung pupunta ka dito, alamin mo ang daratnan mong klima. At di lang ang klima kundi ang temperatura. Nakakatawa man, talagang mahalaga. Ang madalas na temperatura ng Pinas ay nasa 32 degrees, bumababa ng 20 degrees siguro kapag malapit na ang pasko. Sa kasagsagan ng summer dito, madalas ang temperatura ay di ummabot ng 30 degrees. So kung hindi ka summer darating, ihanda mo na ang makapal na jacket panlamig. Kung wala ka namang ganon at wala ng panahong bumuli, okay lang, ang parking naman ng airport ay malapit lang. Tumakbo ka nalang sa kotse. O kaya naman ay sabihan mo ang susundo sa iyo na wala kang panlamig. Siguradong ipagdadala ka nila.

Tignan mo sa The Weather Network ang daratnan mong temperature.

Goodluck sayo!

Homesick

Naluluka na yata ako dito sa Canada. Wala namang dahilan, napapagod lang, o baka tumatanda na. Anim na taon na ako dito. Tignan mo nga, di pala anim, pito pala. Pitong taon na. Minsan naiisip ko, ano kaya ang nangyari sa buhay ko kung hindi kami umalis ng Pinas? Pero syempre, tulad ng ibang 'what ifs', wala namang kwenta ang ganitong pag iisip, wag nalang isipin.

Sa tagal ko dito, at sa tagal na panahong di ako umuuwi, di ko na alam kung ano na nga ba ang Pinas. Ang nasa alaala ko yata e yung mga gusto ko lang maalala. Masarap na pagkain, mabagal na buhay, mainit na araw, masayang mga pagkakataon kasama ng mga mahal sa buhay. Nakalimutan ko na ang hirap mag budget ng kaunting kita doon, ang sobrang traffic, ang nakatutunaw na init, ang malakas na ulan, ang baha, ang away away ng mga magkapatid. Gusto ko nalang umuwi. Maghilata ng walang iniisip. Kumain ng pagkaing hindi ako ang nagluto. Bumili ng kung anu-anong napakamumura. Maligo sa dagat. Sumakay ng tricycle. Magsuot ng bagong plantsang damit. Uminom ng coke sa plastic. Kumain ng Champ sa Jollibee, ng Bunch of Lunch sa Shakey's, ng inihaw na pusit sa Riverbanks, ng bibingka at oysters sa Via Mare, ng chicharong bulaklak sa Pathways, ng lechong manok sa Andoks, ng fishballs at manggang hilaw na may bagoong ni Mang Andy. Mag gala sa Mega Mall. Mag shopping sa Greenhills. Magkape sa Starbucks sa Greenbelt. Makipagkwentuhan sa labas kahit gano katagal, ng hindi nag iisip ng mga anak ko sa bahay, naiwang mag isa. Makinig ng Tagalog na nag uusap ng walang halong punjabi, korean, french, chinese, japanese, russian, spanish, at kung ano ano pa. Oo, ganyan ka diverse ang population dito sa Vancouver. English yata ang minority. Tagalog lang pwede?

Alam ko naman na nangangarap lang ako. Di naman langit ang Pinas. Na mi miss ko lang. Baka pag bumalik ako dun lalo akong maluka.

In fairness, marami akong natutunan dito. Naubliga kasi akong matuto. Kaya ko ng magluto ng napakaraming klase ng Pilipinong pagkain. Dati pang handaan lang ang alam kong lutuin. Kaya nung bago kami dito, parang laging may party. Spaghetti, lumpiang shanghai, carbonara, baked macaroni, mixed vegetables with shrimps and quail eggs in creamy white sauce, etc. etc. Ngayon sinigang, pakbet, palabok, adobo, bistek, nilaga, mechado, kaldereta, kahit ano yata. Of course sa tulong ni Mama, Mama Sita.

Ang galing ko na ding mag ingles. Dati-rati, ako na pala ang kausap, di ko pa alam, nakatitig lang ako. Ngayon sanay na ako sa mga ingles na iba-iba ang accent, pati sa ingles ng Canadians na para bang kinakain ang mga salita. Bat ba di nila ibuka ang mga bibig nila? Di ba sila tinuruan ng tamang English pronunciation nung elementary? Kunsabagay, ganyan na rin ang mga anak ko ngayon.

At eto ka, meron na akong sport. Lampa ako nung bata. Kunsabagay, hanggang ngayon naman. Dati noon, patintero lang di pa ako makasali sa varsity. Pang muse lang daw ang beauty ko. Pwede na rin, kesa matalo ang mababang paaralan namin dahil nadapa ako. Pero dito, snowboarder ako. O di ba? Sosyal. Pero bago ako natuto, nabali yata ang lahat ng buto-buto ko at nag kulay talong ang buong katawan ko sa dami ng pasa. Lalo yata akong napango sa dami ng 'face plants' ko sa snow. Ikaw ba naman itali ang dalawang paa mo sa tila ba kapirasong plywood. Pero sa wakas, pagkatapos ng dalawang winter, e nakakababa na ako ng bundok ng hindi natutumba. Nadadapa pa rin ako pagbaba ng 'chair lift' pero pwede na. Uubra na. Matatawag ko ng sport ko ang snowboarding. Kaya excited na ako mag winter. Di ko akalaing magagawa ko ito. Parang sa pelikula ko lang nakikita ito noon sa Pinas.

Anyway, tama na ang pagmumukmok, wala namang kahihinatnan. I'll just smile and look forward to the future. I'll count my blessings and try to share them. Wish ko lang makauwi sa Pinas. Next year talaga. Promise. See you there.

titser nga

bakit ba hindi noon pa. bakit ba di ko agad naisip na ito nga ang gusto kong gawin. medyo mababa kasi ang tingin ng tao sa ganitong posisyon sa pilipinas. maliit ang sweldo, mahirap ang trabaho. kaya yata di ko ginawa. nagpaka alipin ako sa trabahong hindi ko gusto sa loob ng labinlimang taon. pinilit ko namang gustuhin. niloko ko nga ang sarili kong masaya ako dito. tinatrabaho ko naman, kahit wala sa puso ko. naghahanap nalang ako palagi ng mapaglilibangan. tulad ng pagtuturo, pagpunta sa kung saan saan, pakikipagkaibigan sa kung sino sinong interesanteng mga tao. lumilipat sa ibang kompanya para makatagal. hanggang sa maloka at lumipat na naman. paulit ulit hanggang umabot sa ganito.

di ko na kaya. naubos na ang pasensya ko. nasusuka na ako sa trabaho araw araw. ngayon lang nangyari sa akin ito. literal na susuka ako. di na nga ako kumakain para wala akong isuka. walang tigil ang pag inom ko ng kape, tsaa, tubig. walang tigil ang pag ihi ko maghapon. kung di ko gagawin ito, susuka talaga ako sa mesa ko, nakakhiya naman. kaya pala may mga nalululong sa alak. umiinom sila sa tuwing nasusuka sila sa buhay nila. hanggang sa maadik.

di ko na matagalan. binabangungot na ako kahit gising. naiisip kong pagtingin ko sa salamin ay kulubot na ang mukha ko, kuba na ang likod ko, at ito pa rin ang trabaho ko. tama na. kailangan ng malaman ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay ko. alam ko naman ang gusto kong gawin. magsalita sa maraming tao. magsulat. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit di ko ito ginawa noon pa. nasa lahi naman namin ang pagsusulat. parang di ko makita ang sarili kong mabubuhay sa pagsusulat. pagsasalita, ano naman ang kikitain ko dun. san ako magsasalita. sino ang makikinig?

ngayon ko lang natanggap na ito nga ang tamang gawin. hindi para masuportahan ang pamilya, hindi para magkaroon ng prestihiyosong trabaho, hindi para kung kanino pa man. para lang sa akin, ito ang gusto kong gawin. ito ang magpapaligaya sa akin. ito ang magpapatigil sa mga paa kong laging di mapakali sa isang lugar. ito na nga siguro ang sagot.

ang tagal kong hinahap. labinlimang taon. ang layo ng narating ko, sa kabilang parte ng mundo. ang dami kong naging maling akala. ang daming luha ang iniyak ko. ang daming suka ang pinigil kong lumabas sa bibig ko. ang daming oras ang sinayang ko. paalam accounting.

nakita ko na. nadesisyunan ko na. anong gusto kong maging pagtanda ko? titser nga.

crazy passionate

it was a dark and rainy night in new york. in her confusion, elaine bumped into a stranger, “i'm so sorry. i'm lost. i don't even know where i'm going," said elaine. "that's the best way to get to places you've never been to," replied j peterman. amazing how you sometimes find wisdom in unexpected places, like seinfeld.

i felt lost 12 months ago. i didn't know where i was going. and i did get to places i've never been to, through this bdbr project. one year of supporting managers. helping leaders find clarity, promoting collaboration and integration, to change the culture of a large values-based organization that's still acting like a small, closely knit family.

time flies when you're having fun. i can't believe my year of bdbr opportunity is now over. i can still remember the first day clearly.

it was a sunny day in june. summer was just beginning, the sun was hot on my skin. everything smelled good. i was going to start a new job. happiness!

but the voice in my head was talking. "it’s tuesday and i’d be locked up in a room all day for the next four days on training. who starts a new job on a tuesday on the last week of the month? normal people start monday." i scolded myself, "only happy, positive thoughts."

it would be 4 full days of training. i wonder what we'd talk about. i wonder who i’d be working with. i wonder...

i got in the room. some folks were already there. tanya was there - at least one familiar face. people started coming in until all 11 seats were filled. 6 new, full-time facilitator/coaches (fc), 1 part-time fc from hr, project manager tanya, project coordinator emma, director lory, and trainer anne. by the looks of it, this will be an interesting day, or week, possibly an interesting year.

anne talked first. her voice and intonation – very different. intense but no rushing involved. lory then talked for a bit. it was all gibberish to me. i thought "i have an idea of what we are going to do. let's get on with it." (excitement!) tanya talked for a bit as well. more logistical things.

then the new fcs started talking. from the outside, i saw that this was a diverse team. my math self was trying to find commonalities. not age, not gender, not ethnicity, not educational background, not professional background, what was it? after listening to everyone, i got it.

this is a very passionate group of people. and everyone seemed to be looking for something and hoping to find it in this fc role that we would do. my exact thoughts at that point, "so why am i here? am i really one of them? unbelievable."

that was my last clear memory of the beginning of this job. what followed was a fun year of learning, self-awareness, teaching, personal development, and blah blah blah. too many things happened, until we got here. the end of this one year commitment, opportunity, experiment. whatever you may want to call it.

now the end has begun. we are slowly, one at a time, being peeled away from the bdbr team. it's time to disband. we were all here because we were looking for change. looking for something new to do. we wanted change and we got it, in the form of starting a huge cultural shift in this organization. now it's time to move on to the real career changes we were hoping to get in the first place.

i thank each and every one of you for giving me a piece of yourself this year. this has been one of the best years of my professional life. i will never forget this gig. (that's a true compliment. i rarely remember anything these days.)

after a year of bdbr i still feel lost. but i’m not worried. i know i’ll find my way to places i’ve never been to.

to my ex-fcs, wherever life takes you from here, good luck. may all of us find what we are looking for. when we find it, may it give us the happiness and fulfillment we are expecting.

how did lory manage to find these passionate people?

it takes one to know one.

----------------------
by the way, passionate is only one level up from crazy and the line is not always very clear. :-)

Brrr...

Bangon na. snooze. Bangon na. snooze. Bangon na sabi! Tama na ang ka I snooze ng alarm clock.

Late na naman ako. Sarap kasi matulog pag malamig. Para na naman akong robot na maghahanda sa pagpasok. Hay, kailan kaya ako makakaalis sa rat race na ito?

Silip sa bintana. Leche, nag I snow! Ano ba yan? Sabi sa forecast kagabi sunny ngayon. Leche, leche, leche. Pero ang ganda sa labas, puti lahat. Hay!

Gisingin si ate, para tabihan si baby. Pasok sa banyo, i-on ang heater. Number 1 and then number 2. I-on ang tubig para uminit. Shower lang. di babasain ang buhok, baka magyelo sa labas. Nakakaloka, bakit may snow?

Toothbrush..oops bat ang lamig ng tubig? Initin ng konti. Bihis na. panty, bra, sando, sweater, leggings pa kaya? Baka kaya kong wala. Oo, leggings, jeans, medyas. Wag kalimutan ang cellphone para ma check ang mga batang home alone. Dampot ng baon, tira tira kagabi. Isa pang sweater, bonnet, scarf, outer jacket, gloves, boots na hanggang tuhod. Oops, naiwan heater sa banyo, leche, balik na naman sa taas.

Labas ng bahay. Super dahan dahan ang lakad, baka madulas. Nakakaloka talaga. Sa mga ganitong panahon, tanong ko lang, bakit nga ba ako nandito? Bbrrr…

acronyms, now and then

what are the secrets of a long and happy marriage? idk (i don't know). if i knew they wouldn't be secrets and i'd be a millionaire. lol (laughing out loud). i've been married for a long time. and yes, to the same man. and happily too. well, most of the time. i don't know the secrets to a long and happy marriage but i can definitely give some pointers. i did learn some things in 16 years.

don't lie - never ever. you can strategically deliver the truth but never lie. respect your partner's intelligence. and remember, there is such a thing as lying by ommission. you can't do that too.

maintain the mystery - don't show your partner everything specially personal hygiene activities. what value would brushing your teeth in front of your partner add to your relationship, may i ask?

forget - this is the only good side to having had 3 caesarean sections. i can't remember. when i try to bring back details of previous fights to strengthen my stand in the current fight, i can't remember. so no fight lasts a long time.

be fast at saying sorry and forgiving - my husband does this perfectly. i need to work on it. he says sorry even before i complain. at first it seemed thoughtless. he hasn't even heard what i wanted to say and he says he is sorry. but it works. when he sees i feel bad he immiediately says "i'm sorry for whatever made you feel bad. i never intend to hurt you." that gets him what he wants. then i become submissive and ready for him a3 (anyplace, anywhere, anytime).

do the little sweet nothings - make sure you still do the little nice things that you used to do in the past. like hhww (holding hands while walking), giving hello and goodbye kisses, saying tccic (take care coz i care).

and most importantly, laugh - try to laugh together often for long periods of time until tears run down your cheeks. if you can't find anything to laugh about, search for funny stuff on cable. you're paying so much for that, use it well.

the foundation of our 21 year relationship - openness, sex, and laughter. oh and of course love. omg (oh my god) how could i have forgotten that?

what does my husband say to all this? wtf (you already know this, you use it too often). tldr (too long didn't read).

the ultimate secret to a long and happy marriage? japan (just always pray at night). rofl (rolling on the floor laughing).

g2g, b4n.

@UNLIMITED

Toastmasters
Speech #9
Persuade with Power
March 25, 2011

It was in 1995, 16 years ago, when I first heard about people communicating across different countries electronically – instant messaging and email. I was in awe and at the same time in doubt. Is this true? Are you kidding me?

A couple of years later, I began using dial up internet access at home. It took 30 minutes to connect each time. One website page took 5 minutes to load. But I continued to use it. Then in 2000, I worked for a US based company. CEO messages were delivered via webcast, meetings across countries were done with video calling, we had instant messaging all day, unlimited access to hi-speed internet. All to help us do our work.

In 2004 we moved to Canada and I had, for the first time, unlimited hi-speed internet access at home. It was happiness. Internet suddenly became a necessity in my life. I did my banking online, kept in contact with my family and friends in Philippines online – email, chat, Friendster. I bought and sold stuff online – ebay and craigslist. I managed my ever growing photo gallery online. Ordered books, photo prints, magazine subscriptions, even underwear online. I learned to cook from recipes in the internet. I read reviews to decide which recipes to try, movies to watch, restaurants to go to, shops to buy from. And not just buying, even for borrowing. To get library books, I look for what I want online, find the branch that’s got it, or request for it so that when I go to the library I’ll just grab my books and go.

I think in my life, I use the internet, maybe too much. When my youngest child was born and I was trying to get some sleep, youtube kept him quiet. When I can’t remember lyrics of a song, names of celebrities, details of places and events, google gives me peace of mind.

Along came skype, Facebook, and Twitter. That brought social networking to a whole new level. I Skyped with my nephews and nieces back home and I got to know them without having to spend a penny more than my usual unlimited internet access fee. Then wireless internet arrived on cellphone, tablet, even on the ipod. Amazing.

So why am I presenting this? There is recent talk about the usage based internet billing (UBB). The CRTC - Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission approved UBB and now the federal government is reviewing it. What may happen pretty soon is we will be paying for internet based on our usage and not the flat rate that we pay now.

How did I learn about UBB? I read the paper everyday, front to back. Nah, with 4 kids, I can never do that. I have made a personal choice not to read the newspaper, the same day I made the personal choice to sleep in the skytrain to and from work. I learned about UBB, ironically, through Facebook. A long-time, good friend of mine posted on my wall requesting me to sign a petition against usage based billing, UBB. Normally, I would have just signed it to please my friend. I do go out of my way to please friends. But when I got this request to sign the petition against UBB, I hesitated. Something inside me doesn’t agree. Something inside me doesn’t want to fight this battle. There was something amiss.

I do use the internet a lot and if the Usage Based Billing is implemented, I will need to pay more. I don’t want to pay more but I don’t want to sign a petition that will prevent me from paying more. What is wrong with me?

I didn’t act on this for a week. I just let it sit. I kept on seeing my friend’s postings on FB, Facebook, regarding UBB – Usage Based Billing and how bad it will be. Until after 3 weeks I finally gave in. Nope, I did not give in to the petition. I gave in and decided to think deeply about, why am I NOT disliking the UBB?

Mankind overuse and abuse things that are “free”. This is the reason for global warming. The environment is free so we just use it to our heart’s content. We use anything and everything that is cheap and forget the other things that might be affected. Here in Canada we eat food everyday that may have travelled half the world to get to us – bananas, rice, mango. We use up so much oil because it is affordable, not thinking about the oil wells that are being dug up everyday on earth to satisfy our needs. We didn’t use to consume this much oil and we were just fine.

So why do we want unlimited access to the internet?

So that we can continue to talk to friends using email and instant messaging instead of visiting them and having a chat over coffee. So we can go to the library and grab our book instead of talking to the librarian and sharing our love for books.

Why do we want unlimited internet access? So we can easily order what we want in a restaurant (because we already checked the menu online) instead of listening to the waiter describe the soup of the day in adjectives that just make you hungry. So we can give our small children Facebook accounts to keep them occupied instead of them reading books or running outside. So our kids can be on the internet in our long drives and not ask us, “are we there yet?”. Why is it so hard for singles to meet other singles? Because nobody goes out to find things. Everything you need you can find on the internet.

I think we will lose more than money if we keep on using the internet this much. We may lose our ability to communicate with one another face to face. We may lose the remaining small opportunities to exercise and walk around. We may lose our intimate connection with the people most important to us in our lives because we send them messages online instead of giving them a hug when they need it. We may lose some natural senses like being able to tell if rain is coming. We won’t know until the weather network tells us. We may not experience as much excitement in our lifetime because we have prepared our itinerary too well based on internet reviews rather than getting lost and finding pleasant surprises in our travels. We cook based on tried and tested recipes over experimentation in the kitchen.

We want unlimited internet access because we want the electronic waste resulting from continuous production of cellphones, laptops, tablets and other devices that we keep on updating to get faster access. We want our children to continue to have headaches because of wireless modems. We want the possible diseases we may develop from cellphone signals when we access mobile internet. We want to keep on building the infrastructure required to keep our internet up.

I will continue to use the internet but I would appreciate the “limit” that the Usage Based Billing will bring. I may sound like I have no control over my own actions but as I said, mankind as a whole can sometimes go all in the same direction, making us think it is the right thing to do. We didn’t have internet before and we were just fine.

I am not asking you to support the internet Usage Based Billing. I am simply inviting you to imagine the possibilities of life, with limited internet access.

Wise Men Never Repeat

My all-time favourite High School English teacher (wasn't he the only one? :-)) used to say this when we asked him to repeat what he said because we were chatting.

“Girls, wise men never repeat.”

It stuck with me up to this day, even 20 years after. I wonder if teachers really understand the impact of the things they say to kids.

Now I really feel dumb. I have 4 kids. Duh?! It amazes me that to raise kids you need to repeat yourself 20,000 times a day. I try my best to raise good citizens of the future, but man, it takes so much patience. I’m really dumb to have 4 kids in the first place, but well, I am not the only one. My husband Ramil, is dumb too. Misery just loves company.

I was out with my co-workers in a pub last night. Conversation went to drugs and if you used them in the past. One of my friends said she messed up big time as a mother because her two kids, now both in their early twenties, were into drugs in their teens. Real, serious drugs like meth and cocaine. I thought repetition can be helpful, really. Repeat to the kids that drugs won’t do them any good. Repeat, repeat, repeat from 5 years old to age 20 until it sticks to their subconscious.

Parenting is hard. Sometimes I just want to give up and let my kids do whatever they want. I’m tempted to just work, make sure there’s food in the house, and then leave town on holidays. I’m seriously considering doing this and then writing a book about it. The New Effective Parenting : Leave Your Kids Alone. I bet it will sell, catchy title.

So is it really true? Wise men never repeat?

With my husband of 15 years I always repeat, in different forms. When I want something, I put it in his radar first. I’d say something flippantly, as if it didn’t mean anything to me. Then I’d say it again with a bit more detail. The third time I’d say it in relation to something he values. Then I’ll say something more concrete. Finally, I will say what I really want. Then he’ll agree. All these in a span of a week or two. Simple hey?

Here’s an example.

I wanted to go shopping in the United States and we are here in Canada. I need new blouses for work. Ramil is not very fond of driving long distances. So I start with, “Ces said groceries are really cheap across the border. I wonder if it’s true.” Then I let a day pass. “We are out of milk again? At Costco in the US, milk costs $4.50 for two gallons, here it’s $4.50 for one gallon. Can you believe that?” Then I wait for the right time. At the gas station, “OMG! A litre of gas for $1.30? It's .89 cents in the US.” Then in a more serious tone after a few days, “I’ve been making some computations and grocery shopping in the US will save us $300 per month. Imagine what we can buy with an extra $300 monthly. Do you want to try shopping in the States? I booked vacation next Monday, we can go, just the two of us to check it out.” Then he says yes.

Repeat yourself in strategically different ways. I call this repeating, others may say, scheming bitch.

I’m pretty sure Ramil does this to me too, on intimate, passionate matters until I’m convinced to try something new.

So really, wise men never repeat? Were you serious then, Sir? Maybe I missed the last part because I was always away from school. Maybe you said, “Wise men never repeat mistakes.”

I say life is full of repetition. Wise women repeat in creatively different ways, until we get what we want.

What is your passion?

Toastmasters
Speech #10
Inspire your audience
February 18, 2011

Please say your name, where you work, and how long you’ve been there. Also, for us to get to know you a bit better, please answer the question on the board:

What is your passion?

This is what teachers, trainers, and facilitators say when they ask participants in class to introduce themselves. I’ve been asked this question too many times, it bugs me. I’m always tempted to say what I really feel. Like, ‘Why is it your business to know my passion?’ or ‘I’m a very private person I prefer not to tell you my passion’ or to really evade the question, I thought of saying , ‘Sorry I cannot share my passion, it will not be appropriate in a setting like this’. That will get everyone thinking, or laughing.

I am your passion. That’s what my husband always tells me. over and over and over again. I guess to influence my thinking and eventually make me believe that it’s true.

The truth is, I don’t know my passion and it pains me to see a roomful of people in class answering this question so easily as if they’ve known their passion since they were born. And I’m the only one who can’t answer the question. Of course I know I’m not the only one with this dilemma. Somebody will always be like me in this world. But in a roomful of people, I may be the only one honest and brave enough to admit that I don’t know what my passion is.

What is passion anyway? Do you know your passion? Why do some people know and some don’t? Those who don’t know, sometimes just give in to the pressure and say all sorts of stuff. Like, my passion is my family or my cat, or helping people. It may be true for them but those answers do not work for me. I tried to sincerely answer the question in class a couple of times. One time I said thinking is my passion. The minute I said that I regretted it. It sounded so lame and so psychotic the others started looking at me weird. Another time, I said looking for my passion is my passion and I have been doing it for 15 years. That got me smirks, as if I was just trying to sound intelligent. But it’s true. I don’t know what my passion is and I have been looking for it forever.

Thinking about it, maybe we don’t define passion the same way. That is why we get different answers. So what really is passion? According to the dictionary:

PASSION IS AN OBSESSION, A STRONG, EXTRAVAGANT FONDNESS AND ENTHUSIASM OR DESIRE FOR ANYTHING.

From this definition, my husband doesn’t qualify as my passion. I think he is my hobby. Hobby being defined in the dictionary as an activity or interest pursued for ONLY for PLEASURE and not as a main occupation.

To me passion is something you want to do every minute of your day. Something that, when you’re doing it, nothing else matters, you don’t hear or see anything else, you are transported to another world. You are consumed by it, you think about it all day, it is the most important activity in your life. When you are doing it, you lose track of time, you will do it for free just to get an opportunity to do it.

This is my definition of passion. That is why I cannot answer the question. There is nothing in my life right now that qualifies as an obsession. I don’t have anything I think about constantly, nothing I will do for free for the love of doing it, nothing I love so much that I lose track of time, nothing that consumes me.

Sometimes I think that it might be genetic. Maybe I am missing the passion gene. Or maybe I married young and got caught in the responsibility of raising a family too early before I even found my passion. Or maybe the passion that I am attaining to have is too much that my obsession when compared to it, does not measure up. Maybe what I want is extreme passion and what I have now is basic passion so it doesn’t seem like a passion at all. Do you get what I mean?

My husband is a passionate man. And I mean that in a WHOLESOME way. His passion is drums. Playing drums, teaching drums, tinkering with his drums, thinking, breathing his drums. I guess the same as any musician, and I know those of you who live with a musician can empathize, he is obsessed with his music and his drums. It consumes him, he does it for free (duh?!), he can do it all day, there is not a doubt in his mind that it is his passion.

There is a ton of jokes about drummers that I believe to be true. Let me share some with you. What do you call a drummer who does not have a girlfriend or a wife? Homeless. What do you call an employee drummer? Married. If he had a choice he will not do anything else.

This is the level of passion I am looking for, and I don’t have it now. I am trying to find it and it is not easy. I enjoy sewing and lose track of time when I’m doing it. I am happy with the curtains, costumes, bags, bed sheets I’ve made. But I won’t do it for free. I love doing crafts but I don’t think about it all day. I love my 4 kids, very much, they do consume all of my time and energy but they don’t consume me. They’re not my obsession…yet.

How can I find my passion? I try all sorts of activities to find out. I think deeply about my younger years to try to remember what I liked doing then.

My list of criteria to find my passion is this:

It needs to be something I love to do.
It needs to be something I am naturally good at.
It needs to be something I am willing to do for free.

All of these should be met. It cannot be just one or two.

One time I thought I nailed it. I went with a group of friends to a videoke bar and I truly enjoyed it. I sang for hours and I couldn’t stop. I thought, this is it! This is my passion. This is what I was born to do. Until I saw the faces of my audience. Then I realized that it cannot be my passion. I was not naturally good at it.

What is my passion? I’ve been asking myself this for the last 15 years. I believe that when I do find it, it will be the way out of this frustration of doing work that I don’t essentially like. My manager is not here now, right? How about you? Do you like your work at all? Is it your passion?

When I find my passion I will do it constantly until I become an expert at it and it will have value in itself. And then I will feel alive to wake up every day and work on it and not live for weekends.

I am glad you came to listen to me today. I have been thinking about this speech for a long time. I forgot to cook dinner the time I was writing this. My four kids went to be hungry. I edited and revised this more than 20,000 times. I have been constantly preoccupied with thoughts of how I will deliver this speech.

Oh, I just wonder. What is my passion? What is yours?