NOTHING LOST

These past few days were challenging for me. I was expecting to get a grant from the government that will secure me a job for three years. I didn’t get it. I was called in to the doctor because of my bloodwork results. I am too worried that I just want to sleep until the doctor’s appointment.

I submitted a proposal to the government with a couple of colleagues. It was our first proposal and we had to write it in three days. After four months, the government finally issued the result this week. We didn’t get in. I have always been positive in everything I do. So for this one I had high hopes. I already owned it. That made the blow even harder.

What is it with positive thinking? What good does it bring to imagine success and then fail miserably? I didn’t get what I want and it’s absolutely shitty. I need to talk to myself big time.

Why was it not for me? It will not bring you closer to your goals. No, it won’t because I will have to work full time again and will not have time to write. That’s true. But I want the money to travel. You can get the money from teaching part time and writing more. I know. What am I going to do now? You will work on the companies you have helped put up and you will make them successful. That will bring you closer to your goal of being a $uccessful entrepreneur. Yes. That is the best thing to do. You did not lose anything. You did not have this before. You just didn’t get it. Do what makes your heart happy. Write, write, and write some more.

Done talking to myself.

It’s true. There was nothing lost. A couple of my friends lost their loved ones this week, a dear uncle and a baby, third baby lost in 14 months. These are painful losses. A proposal getting rejected is nothing. I need to adjust my perspective.

My doctor wants to see me to discuss the result of my bloodwork. I talked to her secretary Tuesday afternoon. I wanted to come in immediately but the clinic is closed Wednesdays. I took the earliest appointment on Thursday. Since the call I couldn’t concentrate on anything. What if I have a terminal disease? I am dying of worry. I have to remind myself that worrying doesn’t help. I have not lost anything. Worrying is an insult to God. If you can do something about it, why worry? If you cannot do anything about it, why worry? Why worry at all? I know, I know. But, but, but.

So I am writing in this state of mind. I need to be more positive.

I am grateful that Ramil can financially support our family and I can take a break from working. I am grateful that Ramil can get away from the office anytime he chooses. I am grateful for public healthcare. I am grateful for my upcoming holiday with my girlfriends. I am grateful that I can financially help my relatives back home. I am grateful for a healthy family. I am grateful for all the food we bought from the grocery today. I am grateful for being debt free. I am grateful for a big house, a nice car. I am thankful for an uncomplicated family. I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful and I am at peace. Nothing is lost.

Everything works out in the end. If it is not working out, it is not yet the end. J